Castelli, What Were You Thinking?!

Jolene was thumbing through the Performance catalog that arrived today and spotted these Castelli Velocissimo shorts:

This is a joke, right? Please tell me this isn't an actual product but simply an April Fools gag that Performance fell for. Sadly, the fact that these shorts can be found on the Castelli website and ordered from Performance leads to the horrifying conclusion I'd rather deny: they're real.

When is innovative styling not avant-guard? When it produces an abstract but unmistakable image of genitalia on your crotch, that's when. Even more disturbing, is it male or female? As if cycling clothing isn't freakish enough, these shorts will make you look like a pervert too.

Speaking of how the general populace views cyclists, witness this comic from yesterday's newspaper:

Back to the Velocissimo shorts - Maybe they look better as bibs?

I've just gouged out my eyes.

The red adds contrast, and thus more attention to the crotchal region - and makes the unfortunate arc of the chamois stitching more noticeable.

Another feature of the red shorts is the white side and belly panels making it look like you're wearing a Vee-"neck" thong.

Castelli is an Italian company, and I know the Italians are sexier than us, but I can't believe even Italian cyclists would go for these shorts. And I'm trying to picture the designer who came up with this design, his/her manager who saw it, and the marketing manager who approved it, and many others at Castelli who saw the design for these shorts and gave it the green light. Didn't they make prototypes? Haven't they heard of focus groups? Really, how does a product this obviously flawed make it to market?

And is a scorpion a good logo choice? Maybe it's too late to change that now, but does it have to be angled up so it looks like it's going for your privates? Isn't this a common fear - that there's a poisonous creepy-crawling climbing up your leg? And yet there it is printed boldly on the shorts.

Perhaps the market for gag cycling gifts is quite lucrative. It's the only logical answer I have.

P.S. I'm 45 today. I have mixed feeling about it. I don't feel 45, it's hard for me to believe I've lived that many years, but the calendar doesn't lie. I'm pleased I have good health, a good wife and kids - in short a good life. OK, I'll try to be happy about it.


bradkeyes said...

I like them. Got some ordered up.

KanyonKris said...

Brad, your comment made me laugh, out loud even. Perfect coming from you, the cycling fashion non-conformist / rebel. But there's a bit of nervousness in my laughter - nervous that you might be serious and actually buy a pair of these shorts.

Grizzly Adam said...

Well now I know what to get you for your birthday.

KanyonKris said...

Hey, Adam, you weren't supposed to put 2 and 2 together here.

UtRider said...

Not what to get you, how about did get you. I thought they paired up nicely with the "venom" Rock Racing jersey. Now what am I going to do with these blasted shorts?!

MOCougFan said...

Those really are stupid looking. Got's to think before you design.

Fatty said...

i have to admit: i have a pair of those shorts. i didn't notice the pattern (either it wasn't clear or i wasn't paying attention) in the Performance site.

these are, by the way, my indoor riding-by-myself-on-the-trainer-shorts.

KanyonKris said...

UtRider - I know my fashion sense is wanting, but I'm not taking your clothing advice if that's what you're offering.

MOCougFan - Bingo.

Fatty - Bold of you to admit you have those shorts, and wise of you to only wear them indoors. Keep an eye on them if Brad comes over.

bikemike said...

i turned 51 a few weeks ago, it gets better and by better i mean worse.
we have a guy(?) in town who has those bibs in ALL white. yikes.

like your site, man.

Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said...

so scary...and me in the market for new shorts. Not these!