Raising a Pro Cyclist

It's tough to break into professional cycling. You have to be super human and almost a genetic freak. But as in other sports like gymnastics, you can compensate by starting early. So if you dream of seeing your son (or daughter) making it big as a cyclist, you better start them young. In fact, if your child is 5, you're too late.

To help you achieve your dream, uh I mean to help your child achieve his/her dream, the forward-thinking folks at Fisher-Price have just the thing for you: Smart Cycle.

The handlebars turn so your future cycling phenom can practice weaving through the peloton, carving tight turns down insane mountain descents and swerving around fallen cyclists in the brutal crashes.

The pedal resistance is variable, under control of the software cartridge installed, from 5 to 1,500 watts so your prodigy won't outgrow this training tool.

The initial crop of software cartridges are the usual kids fair: dinosaurs, Sponge Bob, and of course Barbie for the girls. I'm not sure what they were thinking with the Hot Wheels cartridge - don't they know that cars and bikes are mortal enemies? No matter, these are all like gateway drugs for the heroin coming next year. Chris Carmichael is in production of Train Right for Kids and a Toddlers Spinervals release is slated for early 2008. By the end of next year your child could have thighs that would make a speed skater envious, a VO2 Max to match Lance, and a resting heart rate of 15.

So get cracking parents, it's never too soon to introduce your child to the joys of training for hours each day, 365 days a year to be a pro cyclist. Don't forget to buy the optional Combination Locked Toe Clips and the Electroshock Motivator add-ons so junior will complete the workout even without supervision. Of course as a loving parent you'll want to be involved - nothing builds a bond like a father or mother screaming encouragements like:

• "Get that cadence up! Do you think Lance won 7 Tours with effort like that?"
• "You want to go play with your friends? Play is for the weak, pain is for the strong!"
• "Winners don't cry! Now put the hammer down and finish this last set!"
• "You may hate me now, but when you're rich and famous you can buy plenty of psychotherapy to help you understand why I did this for you."

It may take a decade or two, but thanks to the Smart Cycle and obsessive parents living their dreams through their children, you'll be seeing American cyclists dominating the world.